Using HelloFresh to Conquer Cooking Anxiety in Eating Disorder Recovery

When I was on the way to being the sickest (read: thinnest) I’ve ever been, I found comfort in contained, frozen meals. I missed the whole point of eating and skipped straight to figuring out how little I needed to keep moving forward. I’d cook for others, feeling full just by performing the process. But for myself? I didn’t see the point. 

Now, I have at least an appreciation for what food is. Beyond energy, it’s soul-level nourishment – and it’s art. But that doesn’t mean cooking for myself has been any easier. 

I’ll flip through recipes all day, bookmarking things I’d love to try. But when I get to the grocery store, buying all of the ingredients is always too overwhelming. I’ve tried starting small, testing out dishes with minimal ingredients that feel safe to shop for. Quick Pumpkin-Sage Pasta, for instance, and Autumn Quinoa are two dishes I found through the New York Times Cooking app that I’d make year-round if I could. 

But when it comes to branching out, to trying things that require more than what I have in my pantry, I freeze up. Fear paralyzes me to the point I don’t even try. If no one’s watching, half a bag of tortilla chips and hummus is my balanced meal for the day – a diet that isn’t sustainable when you want to do more in life than retreat inside yourself. 

My Problem with Portions

As a kid, I remember knowing when I felt full but having to ignore it. Eat what you take, clean your plate, or you’ll be punished. A short stint in public school prepared me for scarfing down a meal in 20 minutes or less during retail work shift breaks at a time dictated by someone else. Forget instincts or listening to what your body tells you; you’ll eat when someone else says you can, no sooner and no later. 

As an adult who buys their own groceries now, I get it; you don’t want people wasting food because it’s wasting money. There are starving people everywhere, hungry for what I can’t force myself to shove down my throat. 

I’ll admit the guilt of buying too much and wasting food haunts me as I scroll through grocery orders. I let it talk me out of buying food, caught somewhere between not wanting to waste food and using the guilt as an excuse not to buy food.

If the food isn’t in my house, I can’t waste it. 

Branching Out in the Kitchen

I don’t know why I finally decided to try HelloFresh. I had been sitting on a free box for months, always backing out from ordering. I had the narcissistic fear that everyone else could easily cook the recipes, but I’d be the exception. I equate this level of self-centeredness with thinking the world needs another White woman writing about food and travel – something I’ve clearly gotten over. 

This was even before my recent Anthony Bourdain binge session (yes, all of the seasons of Parts Unknown and No Reservations are on Max), a TV spree that’s only made the volume of my hunger to cook and travel go up.  

Whatever the inspiration, I chucked Citrus Pork Tacos, Jammy Onion & Brussel Sprout Cavatappi, Shawarma Turkey Lettuce Wraps, and Turkish-Spiced Chicken Couscous Bowls into an order. 

While the whole process can feel a little paint-by-numbers, cooking HelloFresh meals is only as mundane as you let it be. So, I played around with seasonings, presentation – everything but portion. Since everything comes portioned perfectly for two or four dishes, there’s no thinking, no worrying I bought too much of something. 

Since my first box was free, I also didn’t have any guilt of wasting money if I screwed a dish up. But I didn’t screw up. The only “mistake” I made was coating the chickpeas I needed to roast with spices I was supposed to save for the couscous. Thankfully, HelloFresh included the secrets to their Turkish spice mix, and they were all seasonings I had on hand, and the dish ended up being even more flavorful. 

That mistake gave me permission to stray from the instructions, the success a reminder I can trust my instincts. 

Cutting Out Calories 

The only problem I’m having with HelloFresh is the same problem I have whenever I eat food in public: a calorie count I can’t ignore. I know how many hours of cardio it takes to burn off an 800-calorie meal, had too many days where I was net 200 calories or less between eating and working out. When I see dishes with calories above 1000, I still cringe, still have a hard time bringing myself to consider taking in that much food at once. 

But I’m learning how to work around it. I can sharpie out the calorie counts on the recipe cards. I try to remind myself that I don’t need to earn or balance out intake and output when I’m scrolling through, deciding what I want to learn to cook. 

I haven’t lost hope that it will all get easier with time. 

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, or know someone who is, help is available. Visit the National Eating Disorders Association website or contact NEDA's Live Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. You can also receive 24/7 Crisis Support via text (send NEDA to 741-741).