Eating disorder recovery, like most things, is nonlinear. Some hours, days, weeks, months are easy – until they’re not. I turn to cooking and baking when things feel the worst. There’s something about using my hands and getting lost in the rhythm of following a recipe that soothes my anxiety and quiets the nonstop calorie math in my head.

I never flexed my baking muscles beyond bread, though, until this Thanksgiving. 

After a few steady months of not messing up Hello Fresh recipes, I had at least enough fake-it-until-you-make-it energy to research the best way to make pie crust and pumpkin pie filling. During the process, I was able to lose myself a little, checking out of the million threads of thoughts spinning through my head and into the sensory experience of finding the right balance of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and clove.

Going into making a pie crust, I knew two things: lard is supposed to be better than butter for a flaky crust, and I did not want to use a food processor. I was in the dark about everything else. 

One of the most repeated pieces of advice about making pie crusts is to keep your ingredients cold for as long as possible before baking. The fat you use, whether it’s butter or lard, needs to melt in the oven for your crust to achieve peak flakiness. 

During baking, the melting fats will steam, creating air pockets and adding distinct layers to your crust. This won’t happen if your lard or butter is already melted into the flour by the time your crust goes into the oven. Baker Zoe Denenberg writes for Southern Living that she chills everything before baking, including flour and utensils. 

Mixing using a food processor is quick and easy, but I mix by hand. You can use a pastry blender or fork (what I used) to break apart the lard or butter, cutting pieces down until the fat looks like a crumble. 

“After incorporating all the ingredients, your pie dough might look dry and slightly crumbly. That’s okay,” writes Denenberg. “Resist the temptation to continue mixing.” 

Denenberg also advises letting your dough chill in the fridge for at least an hour to hydrate the flour. She writes that this will not only enable your butter or lard to solidify, but you’ll have a smoother, more pliable dough when it’s time to roll. 

• Adjust your dough while you roll to prevent sticking or tearing when transferring it to your pie dish.

• If your dough starts to feel room temperature, put it in the freezer for at least 20 minutes to re-solidify. 

• Leave your lard or butter in bigger chunks than you think they should be. 

• Only add water and mix enough so your dough stays together when you squeeze it in your hand. 

• Letting your dough rest before you roll and/or bake allows the fat to re-solidify and any gluten that has developed during the mixing or rolling process to relax. 

• If you’re chilling your dough longer than 30 minutes, it must sit at room temperature for a few minutes before it’s soft enough to roll. You will need to move quickly during the rolling process for the best results. 

I have distinct memories of pumpkin pie ingredients and recipe cards with cans of evaporated milk nearby. For my own pumpkin pie, however, I used heavy cream. Given its similar consistency, Real Simple says it is easy to swap into a recipe 1 for 1. 

After falling down a rabbit hole of research on whipping cream versus heavy cream versus evaporated milk, I found most recipes today call for heavy cream. According to Southern Living (and in my own experience), using heavy cream instead of evaporated milk results in a richer flavored pie. 

 Whipping cream is closer to Cool Whip than pie filling, making it a better pie garnish than ingredient. 

The rest of the filling is sugar and flavor. I mix brown and white sugar in my recipe and add cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves to taste. Most recipes will call for ⅛ - 1 teaspoon of spices. 

Once your ingredients have been measured and poured into a bowl, beat eggs, pumpkin, and cream separately. After those ingredients are combined, whisk into your dry ingredients. After the filling has been mixed, pour it into your pie crust. 

Bake at 400°F for 45 - 50 minutes. The center of your pie should still move when you take your pie from the oven. Don’t worry; your pie will finish baking as it rests on a cooling rack. 

Leftover pie can be kept in the refrigerator for up to five days. 

Ingredients

• 1.5 cup lard

• 1/2 cup four

• 4 - 5 tbsp ice-cold water

• a pinch of salt

Directions

1. Combine flour and salt. Cut or crumble in the lard.

2. Add ice-cold water by the tablespoon to your mixture until the dough holds together

3. Let the dough sit in the refrigerator for at least 20 minutes before rolling. For best results, leave the dough to cool overnight.

4. On a lightly floured baking mat, begin rolling out your dough to meet the size of the tin you're baking in. Remember to lift your dough throughout the process to keep it from tearing and sticking.

5. Cut off excess dough, leaving a 1/2 inch beyond the edge of how large you’d like your pie.

6. Gently lift the dough from the counter and place it into your pie plate or baking tin.

Ingredients

• 1 can pumpkin puree (or 2 cups fresh puree)

• 1/2 cup brown sugar

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1.5 teaspoon cinnamon

• 1/2 teaspoon ginger

• 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

• 1.25 cups heavy cream

• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

• 3 large eggs

• 2 teaspoon corn starch

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.

2. Whisk together pumpkin, heavy cream, eggs, vanilla, cornstarch, salt, and spices. Mix until smooth.

3. Pour mixture into crust.

4. Bake for 45 - 50 minutes. Center should still wiggle when you pull the pie from the oven. A toothpick should come out clean when the pie is finished baking.

5. Set on wire rack to cool.

6. Garnish as desired.